THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGIN'

by Kristin Scheimer

“Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world.  For, indeed, that's all who ever have.”  - Margaret Mead

Joanna, my 8-year-old goddaughter, and my date for all the best kids movies, recently took me to see “Inside Out”. 

While she thoroughly enjoyed the film - but left the theater dry-eyed - I tried to hide the fact that I was weeping inconsolably.

And so I say: run, don’t walk, to your nearest theater and see this film.  Definitely see it in the theater, because then you can also see this adorable little short film, which started my crying fest.

So, why did I cry and Joanna did not?  All I can think is that in her 8 years of life, this wonderful little girl has been fortunate enough in two things: 1) Never experiencing anything as devastating as Riley experienced in the film and 2) Never being in a place where she didn’t feel like she could express her feelings.

For today’s article, I’d like to talk about two very important aspects of this film.  I’d say SPOILER ALERT, but I don’t think this really spoils anything.  There were two very important messages in this film that can be applied to so many aspects of our lives and our society that they are well worth looking at in detail.

The first is, to put it bluntly, change… even good change… sucks.

The second, and this one’s a biggie, because this is something our society kind of frowns on… it is important, imperative, of dire necessity that we always, always, always, allow ourselves to feel what we’re feeling.

“Buck up.”  “Think Positive.”  “Be Happy.”  

Very popular buzzwords, to which I say: phooey!   Ok, so they have their place, but…

If you’re angry, be angry.  If you’re scared, be scared.  If you’re sad, be sad.  Truth be told, we’re even discouraged from the so-called “good” feelings.  “Don’t get too excited.”  “Don’t be too happy.”  “Be cool.”  “Be chill.”  NO!  FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL.  Big message from this movie.  If you missed it, watch it again.

Now, here’s a big, huge, monstrous, massively important disclaimer to the “feel what you feel” treatise.  Feel what you feel, but DO NOT ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS IN A WAY THAT WILL HARM YOURSELF OR OTHERS.  See… that’s where we run into trouble, and maybe why we try to squash feelings in people. 

“Don’t be angry.  Anger hurts people.”  Actually, it doesn’t.  Anger is a valuable emotion that tells you when someone has crossed your boundaries and violated your space in a manner that makes you uncomfortable.

“Don’t be scared.  Be brave.”  Being brave has zero to do with being scared.  Fear is also an indication that someone has crossed your boundaries in a way that threatens you.  Important information, people.  Listen to it! 

And sadness, who I like to think is the hero of the “Inside Out” film, indicates loss and mourning, and it’s real.  It’s a real thing.  Denying it causes all kinds of havoc, as this movie showed.  If you’re sad, feel sad! 

Now, here’s where things get tricky.  Perhaps it’s society’s constant frowning on overt expressions of emotions or perhaps it’s any number of personal past experiences, but few people are ever fully aware of what they’re feeling.   Because of this, too often people act on emotions unconsciously or are so controlled by their emotions they DO cause harm to other people, in an unconscious desperate need to protect themselves.

Here’s a big one, and a feeling that was not included in “Inside Out”:  shame.  In my opinion, this is one of the most uncomfortable feelings.  Few people like to sit with that feeling and even fewer people are aware when they feel it.  More often their subconscious will instantly switch it to something else.  Anger is a big one.  Someone makes us feel ashamed, we get angry and lash out at them in a desperate attempt to not feel shame.

Fear is another one.  An aspect of social anxiety is the fear of getting into a situation where one might feel shame.  Even disgust is sometimes a mask for our own shame.  Instead of admitting we feel shameful, we look at others in disgust.

 

Shame isn’t the only unconscious emotion we try to squash or change.  But here’s the difficulty with emotions.  The less aware we are of them and the less we allow them to simply be felt and run their course, the stronger they are and the more potential damage they have to harm us or motivate us to harm others.

So what’s the answer?  Being mindful.  It takes hard work, but when you feel overcome by any emotion, stop, sit with that feeling and figure it out.  Are you feeling angry because someone is genuinely threatening you or is this a mask for shame? 

You’re feeling afraid.  Is there really danger or are you simply reacting to the anticipation of some potential or perceived danger?  Again, social anxiety is a great example.  A person may be in their home alone feeling fear at the prospect of going to a party.  In that moment, they are not in danger.  In fact, there’s no certainty that if they go to the party they will be shamed or in danger, but the fear of the possibility can be powerful.

 Someone could even be unbelievably angry thinking about something that someone MIGHT do; reacting to the possibility of something rather than anything actual.  Again, it’s simply about being mindful and aware and listening to your emotions.

Emotions are complex, far more than are represented in “Inside Out”, but then again, it’s a kid’s film.  Past traumas, belief systems, so many things factor in to how we feel, process and even hide our emotions.  There’s simply too much complexity to go into here, so all I’m really suggesting is this: To the best of your ability, always allow yourself to feel what you are pretty sure you’re actually feeling.   

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This also means being present rather than thinking that what could happen in the future is actually happening.  This is one of the reasons people are so resistant to change.  When change occurs, our minds can go crazy with all kinds of possibilities of what this could mean for the future. 

And this brings me to the second piece of the story of “Inside Out”.   Change.  Boy, it’s not easy.  We all know that, but I have to say, I’m pretty darned thrilled at all the change that’s currently happening in our country! 

As I said in my previous article PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF , I think the 60s were a great time when change was happening because the people made it happen, but let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.  It was rough, as all change is.

And people today, I hear them commenting on what they’re seeing and hearing, thinking we’re nowhere and things are just horrible. 

President Obama visited Oklahoma recently and was greeted by people with Confederate Flags.  Ok, I’ll admit, my first thought when I saw this was, “Why did we want the South to be a part of our country again?”  My apologies to all the good, kind, hate-free people in the South, but come on!  This was ridiculous.

And yet... This occurred BECAUSE change is happening.  That damned ridiculous, insulting flag has been flying for how many years?  Anyone remember when the Civil War was?  Try the 1800s!  

And yet this happened, not because President Obama is black (although that is part of the change in this country), but it happened because the attitude, the acceptance of, the tolerance of that symbol of hate is CHANGING.  They brought those flags to greet our President as a REACTION to this change. 

The amount of racial killing is horrific right now.  Truthfully, it’s not any worse than it’s been for 100s of years, but we’re finally TALKING ABOUT IT.  

Black lives Matter… it seems like this should be a given, but it’s not.  It HAS to be said.  It HAS to be spoken out loud.  I’m not going to get into all the other human rights violations in the world.  Let’s just talk about the United States.  The reality is we, as a country, value black lives less than white lives.  You can argue with me until you’re blue in the face about this, but you’d be wrong.

However, the #blacklivesmatter campaign, the demonstrations, the speeches are all pushing us in a direction of change; a direction where we will – some day – stop this systemic racism.  It seems impossible.  Change doesn’t happen instantly.  We think that all of this backlash is an indication that we’re nowhere, but I say it’s an indication that WE ARE CHANGING.

Like I said, change is hard.  Change is rough.  For those of you who have seen “Inside Out”, you know about core beliefs and islands.  This is in no way to make light of anything that’s happening, but the reality is, what’s happening now is because change is happening.

Those whose core beliefs are that black people are less than or are to be hated and feared do NOT like this change.  They’ve got Hate Islands and Privilege Islands that they are desperately trying to keep from crumbling.  They are feeling all kinds of fear and anger.  I would feel sorry for them - I mean, it’s all they know - except that they are breaking that all important cardinal rule:  Feel what you feel.   Go through all the anger, fear, disgust and sadness you have to as things around you change, but DO NOT… DO NOT act on those feelings in a way that will harm yourself or others. 

They are SO threatened and SO bothered because Hate Island, Privilege Island and the core beliefs of prejudice are being tested like they’ve never been tested before.  It seems like things are bad right now.  And they definitely are.  Churches are burning.  People are dying.  And this is tragic and horrible and I wish with everything I have that these things weren’t happening, but the tiny sliver of a silver lining in all of this is that it is happening BECAUSE things are changing.

I have a degree in History from UCLA and I focused all my studies on American Social History.  Basically, if you’ve read Howard Zinn’s “The People’s History of the United States” that’s what I studied.  Incidentally, if you haven’t read this book… do.

So if there’s one thing I know, it’s how change happens in this country, and it’s brutal… every time.  I mean, the whole country broke out in a war as we changed from a country with slavery to one without.

Women starved themselves and allowed themselves to be imprisoned to get the right to vote.  That campaign started almost 100 years before it was successful.  Women had to endure the most humiliating, devastating, brutal and insulting treatment to fight for this one simple right.  Most of the women who started the movement didn’t even live to see its success. 

And while women won the right to vote almost 100 years ago, we have yet to see a woman President.  It’s taken a long time for women to be a part of the government and even longer to be in any positions of power.  Not to mention all the sexism that is still rampant in our society.  Read BE A DOLL, WOULD YOU?

Change takes time.  It’s painful.  And there will always, always, always be a backlash.

It was such an amazingly short time ago when I can remember that no one ever, EVER, EVER, EVER talked about Homosexuality.  It simply was not something that existed as far as most of society was concerned.

Not that many years ago, I remember someone being concerned about how bad things were for homosexuals.  They cited all the horrible things people were saying and doing, all the States that were banning same sex marriage.

And yes, again, I do not make light of any of this, and horrible, HORRIBLE things have happened, that resulted in brutality and deaths, but even through all of this, knowing our history, knowing how things have happened in this country in the past, I could not help but think:  but people are TALKING about homosexuality.  That’s new.  That’s change.

And on June 26, 2015, The Supreme Court did the unbelievable; the thing so many people thought was unimaginably impossible.  The law of the land now says that homosexuality is just as valid a basis for a relationship and marriage as heterosexuality.  No, not everyone agrees with this.  The change is still happening, but MAN… WHAT A FREAKING AMAZING CHANGE!!!!

Change is hard.  Change will always, always, always have resistance. 

What’s interesting to look at, when dealing with change, is why it is we’re being so resistant.  Privilege has become a pretty popular word of late, and I’d like to look at it more closely, because it and the fear of losing it is what fuels so much of this backlash and hate.

But here’s the tricky thing about privilege:  It isn’t actually a thing.  Privilege only exists in relation to something else.  Privilege is you having and someone else not having.  IF that other someone suddenly “has”… guess what?  You still “have” too.  You have lost NOTHING except the esoteric idea of privilege, which is simply you having something that someone else doesn’t.

But people are killing, actually killing, to keep that privilege.  For what?  What does privilege get you?  Let’s say you have a swimming pool in your backyard, and your neighbor does not.  That means you have a swimming pool and the smug, ego stroking realization that you have something that your neighbor does not have.

Now, let’s say your neighbor gets a swimming pool.  Now, you no longer have privilege.  You and your neighbor both have swimming pools.  Ok, so one could argue that you have privilege over all the other people in the world who don’t have swimming pools, but let’s say, for the sake of argument that every person in the world has a swimming pool.

Should you be sad, angry, horrified by this?  No.  Because the reality is: NOTHING REAL HAS CHANGED FOR YOU.  You still have a swimming pool.  Period. 

This is the fallacy and ridiculousness of this desperate, obsessive need to get and hold onto privilege.  It’s not about what you have in your life that makes you happy.  It’s about what you have in life that others don’t, so you can feel you’re happy in relation to someone else who is not happy.  Absurd.  But it drives some people like you wouldn’t believe. 

So, the times they are a-changin’ and people they are a-reactin’.  But we usually do.  Most people, when faced with change, even good change can have a rough time of it.  

A new job in the field of our choice!  How amazing, and how utterly terrifying.  How outside the norm of our lives.  Fear of this unknown endeavor.  Fear that we’re not capable.  Anger that it hasn’t happened sooner.  Anger that the transition to this new job isn’t going to be easy.  Disgust at ourselves for not handling this change better.  Disgust at the parts of this new job that are maybe not ideal.  Sadness at leaving our old job (even if we hated it). Sadness simply because things will be different. 

Yep.  “Inside Out” got it right on the money.  All of these emotions come into play.  And then there’s the fun one:  Joy.  Joy at this new job.  Joy at finally accomplishing our goal of a job in our chosen field.

Here’s where most people run into problems.  They think.  “Yippee!  My dream is coming true.  All Joy.  I feel nothing but Joy!”  It’s entirely possible that for someone that’s true, but for most of us, all those other feelings are there too.  We just don’t think we’re allowed to feel them, so we push them away.  We try to hide them.  And then for reasons we don’t understand, we sabotage this new job.  We make sure we fail.  We manage to get our old life back.

See where I’m going with this?  Yes, a new job in our field of choice is awesome, but it’s freaking scary too, and if we don’t let ourselves feel all that we feel about this change, it will bite us in the ass.

The same is true of a new relationship.  Joy, for sure (if it’s with the right person), but all sorts of other reactions come up.  All these feelings, stemming from core beliefs, from whatever islands we have in our minds, just come pouring in.  This is true more so for intimate relationships than any others because there’s nowhere to hide.  What we’re feeling is there.  Our partner sees it (and possibly misinterprets it).  And ideally, we’re committing to jumping in for a long time.  That’s scary.  Relationships are hard, yes, but mostly because they are… quite simply… change.  And they are always changing.  But at the end of the day, all of those feelings that come with having a life partner or a career dream coming true are living, are being, are experiencing life.  And you know what, Joy is in there too, so it’s all good!

So, feel what you feel.  Whatever comes up, simply feel it, but again… and I seriously cannot emphasize this enough: DO NOT ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS IN A WAY THAT WILL CAUSE HARM TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS!

Feel angry, scared, disgusted, sad or joyful.  Feel those feelings.  Experience them.  Act on them productively.  Our feelings are there to keep us safe and happy.  That means feeling them until they pass, instead of bottling them up.  Our society really applauds that whole bottling up thing.  Another great reason for “Inside Out” to be made. 

Feel what you feel.  Don’t wallow in it.  Fully feel it until it goes away.  And it will.  Trust that.  Psychologists will back me up on that.  Do not let anyone try to squash your feelings.

Man if I had a dollar for every time a man told me I was too pretty not to smile on a day I was feeling sad, I’d be filthy rich.  “Listen here, mister.  I’m feeling freaking sad today and I’m allowed to do that, so back off.”  That would be anger speaking.

I really can’t say enough about this film.  Interestingly, when I was watching it, I wouldn’t have thought I’d be recommending it, because the whole time things were horribly wrong, I was rather desperate for things to be right again.  I was uncomfortable and concerned that things would not right themselves.  Of course, I got to the end of the film and through my massive weeping, I thought.  “Damn!  You knew what you were doing all along, didn’t you?” 

Again, go see the film.  It’s worth the money and the tears.  And, in your day to day life: Embrace change, but know that it’s always challenging.  Then let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling, as long as you… well, you know.